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In that moment, I began to realize what was happening in me. My competitive drive to be the best now meant doing whatever was necessary to be the best slut I could be for Cliff. I put myself in this situation. I made the bet at the golf game. I made it because I knew I couldn’t lose. Then I did. I always keep my word. I always pay my debt. I boarded the plane. To be the best now required the systematic dismantling of my strong will that got me here. My competitive drive was turning in on itself. Every time I did what he asked, I surrendered more of myself to him. It was as if he was slowly seductively stripping me of one layer after another – but more than clothes, it was my need to be in control and win. Unlike ever before, to win meant choosing new levels of surrender.Strangely, the more I did, the freer and more aroused I felt. I always thought freedom came from being in control. Everything in me believed that, but I couldn’t deny what was happening. Submission, at least to Cliff,. It was great.And yet, every time I came, every time I closed my eyes for the last orgasm, another boys face appeared in my mind. A face with the same eye colour and similar hair as Kyle. But younger. And with a shape way closer to mine.I prayed to god that my obsession would go away. Yet, nothing changed. Every time my boyfriend was on top of me, pounding into my wet, tight pussy while grunting my name, a part of me imagined my little brother on top of me instead.I told myself, that it was just a fantasy. And that Kyle would never know, so it was completely harmless.Oh, how wrong I was.Kyle did know. I don’t know how, but he did. Maybe he had seen the strange look in my eyes, when I was watching Lars. Maybe his name slipped involuntarily through my pressed together lips when he was fucking me hard.But he knew.And that’s why he, after four years, broke up with me.On our anniversary.I was heartbroken. Despite everything, I really had loved him.And worst of all, I only had myself to.
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